A Busy Night

I took Nyquil last night before passing out into a slumber of weird dreams. It was one of those nights where you dream so much that you feel like so much has happened. I felt like I saw almost everyone in my life appear in my dream... a bummer I don't really remember what I actually dreamed about though. But I'm glad I woke up feeling a bit more refreshed. My sore throat is still there but I woke up feeling slightly more up today. Now I'm blasting Jay Chou in the background while I work a bit. It's these mornings where the sun is shining bright through the window and where I have a calm sense that everything will be okay. Maybe my life will be alright.

I never understood that as I was entering my 30s, my anxiety was slowly growing and creeping up on me. For a while, I was unable to identify what was causing my change in sense of security and stability. But ever since I moved out, I have had plenty of time to reflect about what has been happening. It's weird that it is only when I am alone that I can really see what has been going on.

Too Much of the Unexpected

Four months later and I am still in Tokyo. So much has happened since June. Everything I expected to normally happen this year sort of just all unravelled and became a mess. Maybe this is my mid thirties crisis. I don't know how else to explain the whirlwind of events that have transpired since July. My understanding of a stable relationship turned out to be just one sided. I've learned a lot about how I can hurt another person without realizing I am and all I know now is that what I think I know is really just full of shit.

I really am not good at this relationship thing. I should really call it quits but all I want in life is to find a stable partner to go through life with. I'm sad that my most recent 2 year experience is turning out to be another failed attempt. I'm thankful though for the experience and even more appreciative of all the family and friend support I have received over the past few months and continue to still get today. I guess it's time I learn to be on my own and figure out who Janet really is. It's been a long time coming. I've always jumped from one relationship to another since my twenties~ time to finally to stop and focus on figure out what I really want.

I have to admit a reason why I'm still hiding out in Japan is because it's easier to figure myself out in a city where nobody really cares a fuck about you. All my close friends and family back home all seem to have their shit figured out. Most people are in stable marriages and raising their first child, etc. It's really hard to move back and be instantly submerged in a world like that. I have to admit, I'm really just afraid. I don't know how to cope when it seems like everyone has everything figured out already. I hope I can get myself together and figure out what is next for me in life.

Eight Years Later

It's hard to believe so much time has passed since my last post here. I guess in a way once you have pushed off doing something for so long, it is just that much harder to get yourself to do it again. I am glad to be back though. I really missed having an outlet to share my thoughts and also having a place to jot down what's been going on in my life.

How does one sum up what has happened in eight years? In short, I have been living in Tokyo since December 2011. I really have a huge range of replies whenever people ask me how living in Japan has been. My answer generally depends one, on my mood when I'm asked the question and two, how close I am to the person asking. Let's assume I'm mostly in an okay mood. So if it's a complete stranger I generally give a somewhat honest opinion about Japan life being un-culturally fit for a western raised person like me but then I balance it out by throwing in some positive remarks about how Japan is so clean and how tasty raw fish is here. But if it's someone I know really well, then I give my best full on negative critique of Japan and hope they aren't surprised at my candor.