New Addition

Having a cat around has been very entertaining. She's provided me endless hours of joy and amusement. Having grown up with no pets, I initially had a hard time adjusting. I could not sleep through the night because every time the cat made a noise, I'd wake up. Now I sleep very soundly and am no longer in fear that the cat will claw my face while I'm asleep. My favorite part is her cuddling with me when I goto sleep each night. But I learned the hard way that she isn't as nice as I thought. I should've known better when Brett started calling her "menace." Sadly, I've also started calling her that, along with her some not so nice names like fucking cat. Trust me, she deserves it.

Recently I've switched my focus from acrylics to computer art. Been teaching myself Illustrator every day for a week now. Being able to crank out several successful pieces a day has really raised my confidence. I hope to have Illustrator mastered by the time we are out of South Carolina. Talking about being out of here, I am very anxious to go back to California for Christmas and New Year's. It's been a little over two months since I've been back. I really miss my brothers, friends, the food, and mainly the diversity!

A Different Thanksgiving

My first Thanksgiving away from family.  My mom was really the glue that kept our family together. She gave us a reason to come home and spend time together.  Though she is no longer with us physically, I will be thinking about her while I eat my Thanksgiving dinner here in South Carolina.  I guess this is part of adulthood, learning to cope with losses.  Holidays will no longer be the same.  I know I will still be happy and make the best out of it, but a sadness will just overshadow everything. This is a picture taken at our last Thanksgiving together in 2006.  

The Great Smoky Mountains of NC

Brett and I stayed at an authentic log cabin this past weekend in the Smoky Mountains of North Carolina.  It was a 5 1/2 hour drive to get there but it was totally worth it.  Our cabin was really secluded and it had an awesome view of the mountains. We had such a relaxing time-- we jumped into the hot tub, then ran back in and sat in the front of the fireplace and enjoyed some hot cocoa and did the crossword puzzle together.  What could be more romantic?  I'm so grateful to have all these travel opportunities.  If it isn't because Brett's in the Navy, I don't think I'd ever find a reason to goto all these places.  Next year we'll be heading to Connecticut for three months.  I can't wait to visit all the surrounding states; New York here I come!  

Also, on our way home today we stopped by Cracker Barrel for lunch.  I love that restaurant.  It feels like you're in a completely different world when you eat there.  Maybe it's the old country ambience of the place but it sure is lovely.  Brett bought me a whirly pop lolly; I can't believe I've never had one until now!

Vivid dreams

The past couple days I've been dreaming about my mom a lot. They're not really pleasant dreams though, since it usually involves my mom and I screaming at my dad. I end up waking up very grumpy. I wonder when I'll get over the residual anger I have against my dad. Probably never. Sometimes I wonder if he actually apologized and admitted his wrongs, if I would really forgive him. I still cannot believe all that has happened since last year. Life has definitely moved on but the sadness is still there. Hearing about other people's death and even fictional deaths of tv characters evoke the tears. What stings me the most is the fact that I literally watched my mom slowly die... and witnessed her fear and unwillingness to part with us... =*(

You know you're in the South

when you see this on the road... and yes, that is hay in the backseat of a police car.

Hollywood experience

My first day back in LA, I eat the best sushi right next to the table of the Scrubs cast! I saw Zach Braff and Donald Faison! Even though my slumber party attempts didn't really go through, I had a merry time drinking coffee at the wee hours of night and staying up with my lovely friends. Eating of foods nonexistent in South Carolina and shopping will be the goals during my stay this time. I'm already on a good start: had Jack in the Box for lunch yesterday and Katsuya for dinner. 

26

Thank you ma for giving birth to me. I miss you a lot.

Six months

I baked oatmeal cookies today because 1) Brett was challenging me in a cookie bake off and 2) my mom used to make really yummy oatmeal cookies. I wanted to recreate them but I honestly do not remember how hers taste like anymore. It's weird, I haven't cried in over a week until today when I got a text from David. This past Sunday I felt a little under the weather and then I realized it was the six month mark. Life has been treating me well. I am very happy to be where I am now. Even on my not so happy days, I remind myself that life is too short to not live each day to the fullest. Lately I've been teaching myself Photoshop and Illustrator so that I can further diversify my art applications. 

Oh... quick change of subject, it's 1:12 am now, Brett is asleep and sleep talking again. I just heard him mumble... "those bastards," and "sunflowers?" I wonder what that boy is dreaming about!

Speaking of Brett, it's nice to have someone to cook for. I've been making dinner during the weekdays. So nice to be cooking again and trying out all these new recipes. Janet's cookbook is getting bigger as the days go by!

A second chance

I've been having recurring dreams about my mom getting a second chance- she is still terminal in the dream but she just has more time. It's nice because I am able to tell her all the things I didn't tell her in real life but it makes me very sad. I just wake up feeling very down.

I'm glad I have so many pictures of her during her last weeks. I like to look through them because it makes me remember everything that has happened. Lots of mixed emotions because there were joyous times- when the relatives were in town, and sad times- when she was in pain and discomfort. Even though it's not the best memory, it is the strongest and clearest one I have of her. Ma, I miss you so much...

Road Trip: Day 6

Atlanta, GA - Mount Pleasant, SC

It was a rain free drive home. Overall, this road trip has been great!

Road Trip: Day 5

Memphis, TN - Atlanta, GA

We passed through four states today- Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, and Atlanta. Funny that the states got greener and greener as we went more East. What is wrong with the West? I was looking forward to staying in Atlanta because every time I had a stop at the Atlanta airport, it was filled with fun and excitement. I was thoroughly disappointed once the first bum wouldn't leave us alone as we were roaming the streets of downtown. Downtown Atlanta is just like downtown LA, not really safe at night. So Brett and I resorted to a brewery restaurant across our hotel and a couple more episodes of Dexter. Tomorrow will be the last day of the road trip. I can't wait to finally be "at home" and no longer living out of my suitcase or for that matter, my car.

Road Trip: Day 4

Oklahoma City, OK - Memphis, TN

The drive today was really green and pretty. It started raining but it was only slight sprinkling so not too bad. We arrived in Memphis around 7pm so we had time to go out and explore. Beale St. is only a couple blocks away from our hotel so we walked there and had some good ole Memphis style food and listened to some classic blues. There's just something about listening to live music! 

Those who know Janet will know why I chose this picture for today's post. =)

Road Trip: Day 3

Tucumcari, NM - Oklahoma City, OK

I ate at BIG TEXAN!!! I wasn't up to eat 72 oz. of meat so I resorted to an 8 oz. steak. Oklahoma was a greener state but it was pretty windy during our drive. We finally arrived in Oklahoma City and ended up staying in to watch some more Dexter and Futurama on my laptop. Other than a huge cross in Texas, there really wasn't any spectacular sights. We did, however, swing by a comic book store in Amarillo, TX because of Brett. I enjoyed looking at all the dorky toys and actually checked out their anime collection. (sigh)

Road Trip: Day 2

Flagstaff, AZ - Tucumcari, NM

We started driving at 11 am today and ended our day around 7:30 pm. Tomorrow we plan on being more aggressive in our driving. Dinosaurs, tepee stores selling Indian trinkets, etc., and cattle were the scenery for today. Arizona was pretty boring. New Mexico proved to be more interesting with it's beautiful rocky hills/mountains. For lunch we stopped in old town Albuquerque, a quaint and quiet little town with pueblo looking buildings. Tomorrow we pass through the entire northern part of Texas as we continue along 40E. Hopefully we can make it to Fort Smith, Oklahoma, which is the border of Texas and Oklahoma. But that means 8 1/2 hours of driving. So with 2 hours for breaks and food, that's 10 1/2 hours on the road. I hope we can do it!

Today's hotel fare was slightly more expensive - Hampton Inn for $94. 

Road Trip: Day 1

Alhambra, CA - Flagstaff, AZ 

We left at 12:45 pm and arrived at our first hotel here in Flagstaff at 8:45 pm. All the stuff I wanted to bring fit in the car and there was absolutely no traffic. Saw a whole lot of nothing and nothing interesting really happened. We had dinner at Cracker Barrel in Arizona, my first time! I think I'm finally catching Brett's cold. =T Going to drug myself and goto sleep. Hope tomorrow's drive will be more interesting. Oh and it's so great to get the military discount~ we're staying at a Radisson for only $81!

Almost five months...

Mixed feelings

Time will never take away the sorrow I feel but it can help me reconcile with everything that has happened. I feel less rage and anger towards my dad now but I still cannot forgive him for his wrongs. I don't think I ever can, but who knows, I may think differently ten or twenty years from now. All I know is that I am more so in terms with my emotions now. I still get very sad often and it still feels very surreal to me. My pending departure from LA has stirred up even more emotions. I am very excited and happy to be moving in with Brett but very sad that I will be leaving my brothers and all my dear friends. Even though all my feelings and memories of my mom lie within me, I still feel sad that I am leaving... her grave, her belongings, and her life in LA.  

Another month

I miss you ma. It's been four months now but I still feel like it was just yesterday we were living together. I miss looking into the rear view mirror and seeing your face. I miss cooking for you. I miss saying good night and I love you to you every night. =*(

The long process

I really only have two weeks to wrap up my life here. It will be really hectic and emotional. I've been dreading the process of organizing my mom's belongings because it just makes me so sad. Just now all I did was read some notes I had written her and I couldn't stop bawling. This reminds me of my weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was back at the motel and there were flowers everywhere- on the roof, along the walls, and just everywhere. I was trying my best to water all of them and it just took forever. So random huh? 

An action packed summer

Four weeks have passed and I have to say I'm learning really fast and getting more confident as each day passes. The zebra is done with white colored pencil on black paper. I'm sad that there are only two weeks left. I've gained so much insight from my classmates and teachers. I am optimistic though~ I know my future art classes will be as inspiring!

The decision has been made- Janet will be moving to South Carolina sometime in late August or early September. I will miss dear LA, my home for 25 years. I do plan on coming back quite often though to visit my mom's grave, my brothers, and my wonderful friends. So after my classes end, I have approximately three full weeks to pack up my life here. I'm getting stressed thinking about all the stuff I have to do but yet the excitement is just overwhelming. Yay to new adventures! 

The city that never sleeps~

Vegas during the summer is foolish. The burning 110 degree weather made me quite cranky at times but because Brett was there, all was well. The typical Vegas activities ensued during our trip; slot machines were played to pass time, Mystere was watched (btw, a wonderful show to watch!), unhealthy food was eaten, and all day drunken revelry was had. I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted to but here are some:

I can't believe I got them to pose. Note the girly color of their drinks. =P

Brett won only $12 from the gigantic slot.

Our four years is coming up! <3

Joy and hope

Three months have passed now. I'm comforted to know that life will be okay. I'm really grateful to have two great brothers and wonderful friends who are so supportive. =) My two art classes began last week and I am loving every minute of it. I go nine hours straight every day from Monday to Thursday and have no complaints. I never knew class could be so enjoyable! I've made many friends- young and old, ranging from 15 to 28. They are all so interesting; it's so inspiring to be around such talented/artistic people. I wish my mom could be here to share in my joy. I really miss her a lot. I actually had a dream about her last night, it was one of those weird dreams that made no sense but it made me so happy. Seeing her in my dreams really means a lot to me. It's like I can see her again... see her smile or just hear her talk to me.

The unpredictable future

Two and a half months have passed. It still feels like yesterday that I was holding onto my mom's hand and telling her not to worry. Even though I fully grasp the reality of all that has happened, a part of me is still in disbelief. I never felt this way before... I can't help but think why does this have to happen to me? 

There are so many things I wish I could've done differently. But I know that I can still do things for my mom, even though she's not physically here. I know I can be happy and lead a good life for her, and not let her down.

Ma, I miss you so much. 

Sucker punched in the nose and some sleep talking

Yes, the title of this post is not a joke. I experienced both in two different nights. Last night I was woken up to sudden pain in my nose after Brett had just "accidentally" elbow punched me right in the nose. All I heard was a faint "I'm so sorry" and all I was left with was extreme pain as I struggled to wake up and realize what had just occurred. I continued to check my nose to see if it was broken and if there was any blood throughout the night. Little did sleeping Brett realize that I had a bad night of sleep after his supposed accidental punch to my poor nose. I find the entire event extremely humorous now but I can tell you, it was not one bit funny when it happened. Tonight I had a hard time falling asleep, thus explaining why I am writing this at 12:50 am EST. I had gone to sleep at 10:30 pm (Brett's usual sleeping time now) but after several minutes of tossing and turning, I woke up to read at his desk. It's a funny sight if anyone walked into his room. It's pitch black except for a small desk light shining at his desk where you see a girl crouched over reading a book perched on a laptop while at the same time, the girl is trying to hide the light with her body so as to prevent the boy obviously dead asleep on the bed from waking up. So back to my point, as I was reading I hear some mumbling from the bed. Brett is sleep talking! For some reason I always find it so fun and exciting to hear what he has to say. Unfortunately his mumbling was too low so I didn't catch what great things he uttered. I had better luck later when I attempted to goto sleep again. As I lay in his arms, I hear him say, "I don't remember how to do it." I was and still am so happy that I am recounting this here. Several times it has been where I wake up to his sleep talk hoping that I will remember his profound words in the morning, but failing to do so. So the book I am now reading is Me Talk Pretty One Day. I find myself a little slow on the bestseller list. I barely read Life of Pi the other day. For some unexplainable and probably odd reason, I refuse to read the top selling/popular books when everyone else is reading them. Only after a year or so do I venture to the bookstore to buy these supposed bestsellers. I'm actually enjoying David Sedaris a lot. His writing style reminds me of Will Ferguson's; witty wordplay and cynicism suit my taste. Speaking of taste, I've been experiencing much more of the southern cuisine. I had deep fried seafood the other day; the batter was so thin and soft and just so perfect that the seafood just melted in my mouth. Not literally, of course. I tried hush puppies again, but this time they were more flavored and less chewy. Last night Brett & Co. (Brett, his roommates, and I) decided to stay in and cook dinner. Prime rib, grilled onions, mushrooms, and peppers, risotto, and asparagus proved to be a perfect meal. Oh, did I mention the pomegranate wine from Casa de Frutas~ yum! Tonight more beef was to be had. I had a delicious 22 oz. porterhouse steak at Longhorn Steakhouse.  Other than eating like there's no tomorrow, I have been trying to partake in some physical activity. Yesterday Brett & Co. went to play putt putt. I did not perform as well I as thought I could but it was still fun shit talking and crying out in utter despair every single time my ball went into the water. The night ended with much more merry making in what I like to call the kid heaven I never experienced. I am the champion of skee ball. The only victory of the night that I can claim. Brett & Co. members were kind enough to give me their tickets so I was able to trade my 228 tickets for some pirate tattoos and one of those styrofoam planes. Oh, I do need to mention the only downside of the night: being bitten 20+ times by mosquito(s). 24 hour hot humid South Carolina weather really sucks. I should've known better to not wear shorts in such hot weather (sarcasm). The bites are scattered throughout and there are actually two on my face!

P.S. This post was originally written in four different paragraphs but due to my inability to figure out HTML code, I have combined it all into one long one. I do not know why Blogger changes my paragraph spacing when I create new ones, as evident here! Argh Blogger!!! 

Plantation land

I'm here in South Carolina again! My third trip. =) The car rental guy gave me a free upgrade so I didn't have to wait; Janet is now roaming around town in a Hybrid Ford Escape- the car's really fun to drive. I ate at Charleston Crab House last night- a whopping $24 worth of shrimp, mussels, and crab legs. I tried hush puppies for the first time too, something about deep fried chewy corn bread just hit the spot. Today I tried a beef po'boy southern style, yum! All this delicious food is making me a happy camper. The LPGA is happening right now too at the golf courses Brett lives by. I'll be taking a walk soon to go witness my first pro golf tournament. Pictures to be posted soon.

Recipes

Last year when my mom and I lived in Downey, our cable had a couple Chinese channels that my mom used to watch all the time. One channel would always have this cooking show that my mom loved. She would always write down all the recipes when she was watching the show. I remember her being so into her note-taking that whenever I knew the show was on, I wouldn't disturb her. I just found an entire folder of all the recipes she had written down. It's all in Chinese. When I have time, I will sit down with a dictionary and translate everything. My mom always thought that when she got better, she could make these recipes. I hope to fulfill this for her one day...  Ma, I still miss you a lot. I don't know why I've been crying like no other for the past few days... =*(

Two months

In exactly one hour, it will be the two month mark. It doesn't seem like it's getting easier... yesterday I cried so much my eyes were all poofy today and the tears still couldn't be stopped today. It's weird that the sorrow hits me so randomly. Hugging Chumpy (Jumbo replacement) helps though... big furry monkeys are comforting. =*) 

Kevin Kern

Every time I listen to Kevin Kern, I feel like my mom is listening with me. We had his music playing on repeat during the last weeks of her life. Just something about his soothing piano playing touches my heart and puts me into a melancholic state. The two songs Grace composed for my mom always brings tears to my eyes. I don't think I'll ever not feel sad when I listen to their music.

My brother David moved the piano down to his place in Cardiff. It was so nice to watch him play some of the childhood tunes we had learned as kids. Seeing him all goofy and singing along to the music really made me happy. It is those moments that I really wish our mom was there with us. All the simple joys in life that I want to share with her but can't anymore... =*(

Under the sun...

I spent the past weekend driving all around LA. I attended two graduations, went to my first baseball game, revisited college favorite bar and diner, got my first massage at a day spa, and shopped too much for my own good, all in 100 degree weather. I have to say I am loving my tan though.

Onto a more serious note, I've been noticing lately that I like to talk about my mom whenever I think of her. Sometimes I wonder if I am making it awkward for those who are listening... but I really can't help it. I miss her a lot.

I finally decided to start organizing the accounting for the motel taxes. As I'm sifting through all the receipts, I notice all the ones I had kept from when we were living together in Downey. The receipts from when I shopped at the Mitsuwa near the hospital made me really sad. I remember my mom always being so happy for me because I would always get so excited showing her all the Japanese snacks I had purchased. Even though she couldn't eat a lot of foods anymore, she never let me feel bad for eating anything in front of her. She was just happy to see me so happy. =(

"Go big"

Upon my arrival at my brother's place in Cardiff, I was greeted with an overjoyed Kiley.  She couldn't stop whining and her tail wouldn't stop wagging. Coming to SD always feels like a vacation. Something about the atmosphere here just allows me to feel so calm and relaxed. My brother's awesome view of the lagoon probably plays a factor too. =)

We jaunted about Seaport Village, acted like dorks (mainly me, mind you), got a mani- and pedicure, ate surprisingly delicious Thai Food, drank lots of wine, and just enjoyed our time. As Alison put it, we "went big." 

Today's schedule is action packed as well. I'll be joining Alison soon for a spin class, then I'm going to go shopping somewhere, then come home and get ready to SETTLE! I haven't played Settlers in so long, let's see if I still know how to play. 

Proof of our dorkiness:

Mother's Day

It was nice to goto Rose Hills with my brothers today.  I wish ma could see us now and see how close we are. I wish we had spent more time with her together. Only after her passing did I realize the extent to how much we meant to her. We were the reason why she wanted to live. She just wanted to be a part of our lives. I'm so sad... I wish I would've realized that sooner... I wish I had more time to say all the things I want to say to her.

Thank you ma for everything you have done for us. 

Dreams

I finally decided to start organizing all my mom's stuff we had moved from the motel to my place. I found this binder my mom used when she took ESL classes at adult school. In the binder, she had a picture of her and the three of us kids. I couldn't help but break down and cry. She had our picture with us in her folder she took to class. =(

I found an index card tucked inside a pocket in the binder that she had written a poem on. It is dated 9/15/94.

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Pain

I woke up today with immense "I want to just die right now" cramps~ oh the pain of being a female! The people who really know me know that I obsess about "my rag" because of my dread of the one full day of pain. Luckily man invented pain killers and my pain is narrowed down to a couple hours, instead of twenty-four.

So I decided to stay busy and not think about how I wish I was born a boy and actually finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love." This must be the best possible book for me to read at this moment in my life. I haven't laughed out loud so many times while reading a book~ I feel even more inspired now to pursue all my dreams and desires. Thank you Liz Gilbert for sharing your life!

I really want to goto Italy now... maybe bring my half-Italian boyfriend along with me? Heh.

Back at "home"

Ten days of absence left my place with a layer of dust and a feeling of emptiness. I cleaned a bit this morning, opened up the windows and curtains- it now feels a bit warmer and livelier in here. I had another crying fit this morning as I listened to Grace's music and thought of my mom. I received a Chinese poem from someone and it touched me so dearly- here it is translated into English:

The party will always end
anywhere you go in this world,
but there is no end of my thinking of you.

Life is so uncertain and
we cannot guess His plan for us.
Live to love, be happy to see each other.

Mother's Day is coming soon. My brothers and I plan on visiting our mom at Rose Hills and having a little picnic there. It will be our first time at the graveside together since the funeral. I'm very anxious.