Memories

A Much Needed Return

2010-05-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I took such a long break from blogging since last year. I guess it's a good sign that my life picked up and I had much better things to do than blog, heh. I started a graphic design program in Seattle and am finishing up my first year. It's been quite a fun journey. I'm learning so much about design and now really appreciating all the thought and effort it takes to create something unique and interesting. I've been settling into the new city too. Poulsbo has such a relaxed pace that it's hard to get stressed out. Having such a serene place to come home to after being in the busy city is so nice. I want to eventually move back to Los Angeles but I will really miss the greenery. Who knows what we'll decide to do in a couple of years.

I will try blogging more regularly again. Don't know if it's age or just forgetfulness, I've been having a hard time remembering everything in my life that's happened. This will be a good way for me to jot down everything. Rereading my previous posts since I began this blog took me on a emotional whirlwind. So much has happened in the past two years. Here's to a brighter and better future!

Adjustments

2009-08-29T22:13:00.001-07:00

I'm starting the part of my life where I will have to learn to live on my own again. I've been so used to having Brett in my daily life that I can't imagine how I will be without him. I must stay strong because I know he's doing his best too. So begins my journal where I will talk about how it is to be a submarine wife/fiance. I've been trying to stay busy so I don't feel so lonesome but our house is so big so it just feels emptier. I really can't wait to be back in CA next week so I will have more distractions and even better, be doing real wedding planning. I wish time can fast forward and he'll be back and we can get married! Today has been tough. I started reading old emails we exchanged while he was at OCS and it was so bittersweet. And I also found some emails between my mom and I. That of course just triggered the tears. I lost the one person in my life that loves me the most and now the only other person that loves me is away for an extended period of time. I really need to stay busy and not let emotions get to me. (sigh)

Life As It Is...

2009-08-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

Planning for a wedding has made me realize a lot about people in the wedding business. They must be the most convincing liars. Not to speak bad of anyone working in the wedding business, but they really do have to kiss your ass. I have not spoken to one vendor who has not talked me up and made me feel like I am the shit in the first five minutes of our first conversation. Props to them. I don't have it in me to do that, but I can see if the financial incentive was just too good to pass, maybe. =)

It's funny to me that the first real traditional American wedding I will be going to will be my own. I tell people that I feel like a blind person planning a wedding. Yes there are a lot of resources online and what not, but I find myself in a rut sometimes. I start stressing out... am I supposed to do this first or that other thing first? I am grateful for all my friends who I have divulged all my planning details to. Your patience and kindness, I cherish.

So life "had" been pretty stagnant and depressing a week or so ago. After all my visitors left, I just began becoming more reclusive. I spent four days in a row watching Lost, Seasons 1-4. I know, pretty lame. I don't know why, I totally went on the extreme from being very social when people were over to a total hermit. I'm glad I recognized what was going on this week. I've started my gym regiment again and drinking my morning coffee. The weather here has become much cooler and sadly, very cloudy. I refuse to believe that the cloudy weather will make me depressed. I've been busy with errands this week and planning my trip back to LA. Been making a better effort to chat with friends online and making the occasional phone calls to brothers and friends. Again, I thank all those for listening and caring. =)

New Home

2009-07-07T21:49:00.000-07:00

My brother, Sarah, and the baby visited this past 4th of July weekend. The fireworks they sell on the indian reservations here are crazy! We basically blew up $300 worth of sky high fireworks. The boys were going crazy, alcohol and fireworks aren't a good combo. I'm glad everybody had fun though. It was our second time having a barbecue at our house. I'm glad that our house is perfect for entertaining.

Tonight is the first night I'm spending home alone. Luckily David and Grace will be coming up tomorrow night so I will have company until Friday when Brett gets back. So now I'm officially all moved out of California. No place to call home when I go back to visit. The living room is filled with boxes of stuff that I moved up. It's going to take me a couple days to unpack everything. When I was going through a pile of letters and cards, I found a note my mom had written me on 12/24/07, our last Christmas together. She wrote her thanks to me and her gratitude for me taking care of her. The letter was really sweet. She signed it, the mother that always loves you and she even drew a crooked smiley face. It made me so sad.

So many things are happening these days. We just bought a pool table so that's coming this Friday. I have wedding planning to do. And I can't wait to get some work coming my way and starting school eventually. 2009 has been a good year so far. Road trip from South Carolina to Connecticut. Went to Boston and New York twice. Another road trip from Connecticut to Washington. And our five year anniversary is coming up. July 18. It still feels so fun and exciting to be with Brett.

Road Trip 2 - Day Six

2009-05-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

Missoula, MT to Bainbridge Island, WA (500 mi)

This picture is taken from the balcony at our hotel room in Montana. Today we finally finished our trip and arrived safely in Washington. I drove through rain, snow, and windy mountain roads today. All my energy is drained. We took the ferry to get to Bainbridge Island. It was fun driving our cars on and getting out to relax for the entire 30 minute ride. Tomorrow we begin the exploration of our future home. I'm happy, tired, relieved, and excited.

Road Trip 2 - Day Five

2009-05-13T06:44:00.000-07:00

Bismarck, ND to Missoula, MT (760 mi)

We drove for over twelve hours today!!! Brett and I had a little tiff about who could drive further so we drove into the night. It's so nice that the sun didn't set until after 8pm. The drive was the prettiest today, so many snowy mountains and the landscape was just beautiful. I never knew Montana would be so pretty. I felt pretty delirious by the time we got to our hotel room. We stayed at a crummy place in ND last night. I forgot to mention how unsafe both Brett and I felt in ND. At first I thought it was the lack of any minorities that made me feel awkward but I think it's just the environment. Dirt roads and trucker land just doesn't feel inviting. So today we decided to stay at a nicer place and we definitely feel more at home. We should be able to get to Washington by the end of tomorrow. I am so anxious to find a place and settle down. Transient life is not fun.

Road Trip 2 - Day Four

2009-05-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

Eau Claire, WI to Bismarck, ND (518 mi)

The drive was easier today. We ended up in North Dakota and there really isn't much to see here. Dirt roads and manufactured homes are all we see outside our hotel window. Both Brett and I actually feel a bit out of place in this town so we've decided to stay in tonight.

Road Trip 2 - Day Three

2009-05-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

Fremont, IN to Eau Claire, WI (490 mi)

Today has been the most tiring drive out of the three days. We hit a ridiculous amount of traffic going through Chicago. And with the time change, we were on the road for TEN HOURS! Brett and I have been feeling really sloth-like so we mustered up some energy and worked out after we got to the hotel and jumped in the jacuzzi to relax a bit. We've been staying at Hampton Inn every night so far. They are consistent in quality/comfort and of course the military discount is awesome. Brett's playing his DS now. I'm doing housing research and about to catch up on last week's 30 Rock and The Office.

Hello from Wisconsin! We hope to arrive in North Dakota tomorrow.

Road Trip 2 - Day Two

2009-05-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

Bloomsburg, PA to Fremont, IN (485 mi)

We drove through Pennsylvania and Ohio today before arriving in Indiana. Took several breaks throughout the drive, which works out better for me. Even though Brett and I are driving separate cars, we still managed to pass time quickly by playing 21 questions on the phone and listening to audiobooks. It was really windy in Ohio but otherwise, pretty smooth trip. We hope to drive to Minneapolis tomorrow, that's 567 miles. Hopefully the time change from ET to CT will help. It'll be 8+ hours of clock driving but actually 9+ hours on the road. It's a bummer that I can't really take any pictures while I'm driving. All pretty imagery is engrained in Janet's memory.

Road Trip 2 - Day One

2009-05-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

Groton, CT to Bloomsburg, PA (275 mi)

Brett graduated from SOBC (Submarine Officer Basic Course) today. So our 2+ month stay at a hotel on the military base has finally come to an end! I've officially gained 10 pounds from eating junk for two months. I can't wait to have a kitchen and cook my own food. So right after the ceremony we packed our cars and left Groton. We hit all the afternoon Friday work traffic as we passed through New York and New Jersey. It was so pretty throughout the whole drive, so much greenery. So now we have 2,725 miles more to drive!

Road Trip Again

2009-05-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

In two days I will be embarking on my second major road trip. This trip will be longer than the previous, a whopping 3000 miles that will take at least 46 hours to drive. The scenery will be different too. I can't wait to explore the midwest. It will be so nice to finally be back on the west coast. Just knowing that I am that much closer to CA is comforting. I've applied to two graphic design programs in the Seattle area, hopefully I get into at least one. I'm so anxious to settle down and start working, no more excuses!

I'll be on the road when it's mother's day. I ordered some flowers for her grave but I am very sad that I won't be able to be with my brothers on that day. It's been over a year now and things are better. Life definitely has moved on. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if my mom didn't pass away. I hate to admit that I probably would have still been in CA. Not that it's a bad thing, but her absence in my life has definitely allowed me the freedom to do whatever I please. Traveling around and not having the traditional structural days that most people live by has definitely rubbed off on me. I think people should all have the chance to just stop what they're doing and take a very long break. It really is good for the soul.

New York & Boston

2009-04-01T18:05:00.000-07:00

Fri 3/27 - We took the Amtrak from New London all the way down to Penn Station. The ride went by pretty fast since Brett and I were so engrossed with the movie we were watching. We checked into our hotel and began our adventures of the night. We walked quite a bit but I didn't even feel tired, probably due to the adrenaline from Janet being so happy to finally be walking around in a bustling big city. We were able to make happy hour and get some alcohol in our system before we headed out to Pacha, a club in the meatpacking district, for some house music. Food of the night was Papaya Dog.

Sat 3/28 - Most of the day was spent walking around Chinatown and Little Italy. We ate at a Chinese place in Chinatown which was meh to me, especially since I'm a firm believer that the best Chinese food in the US is still in Los Angeles. I was able to hit up Uniqlo. Nobody else wanted to shop so we barely explored Soho. Next stop was the financial district; I can now say I've seen the World Trade Center construction, Wall St, and the NYSE. Later at night we met up with other people at Flatiron Lounge for some drinks.

Sun 3/29 - Brett and I had great plans to do a lot but I woke up not feeling well. I sent him off to buy me some Whitecastle, then we just walked around. I really wanted to goto Central Park and the MET, but this will just have to wait until our next trip. We've learned our lesson, New York does not work for large groups... it definitely is a trip we will have to go again on our own. I can't wait! =) After Brett left to go back to CT, I joined the others and went to Brooklyn to eat at Peter Luger. We went back to the city for more drinks and ended up having another late night meal before calling it a night. We ate at Blue Ribbon.. the pigeon meat was so yummy!

Mon 3/30 - Off to Boston with my brother and Grace. It was raining upon our arrival but that did not deter us from finding our way to the hotel through the subways. It was quite an adventure. We ate at Catch of the Day, I had this unbelievable homemade black pasta with ground calamari. All of us cleaned our plates! We then headed across the street to the oldest Italian coffee shop in Boston. Then we went to visit Berklee Music School. It was such a pleasant afternoon and to top it off, we walked through the entire Newbury St on the way home. After taking a late afternoon nap, we woke up and headed out to a place with award winning clam chowder. It was so delicious but we were so full that we couldn't really do anything else.

Tue 3/31 - We woke up and headed out to Cambridge and explored Harvard. It just felt refreshing to walk on the campus. I just people watched and thought that everyone there must be geniuses. We ventured out to Newbury St again for some shopping before heading our respective ways home.

I can't believe this weekend trip was only four nights, it felt so much longer, probably because I just came back from my two week California trip a couple days before this trip. I'm so happy that I have the freedom to travel whenever I want.

Bundle of Joy

2009-03-13T12:04:00.001-07:00

I arrived in LA on Thursday and the first thing I did was drive straight to the mall. I was so tired but I still mustered enough energy to shop a bit. Next order of business was to go visit my new niece! It was so nice to finally meet the new member of our family and to see my brother and Sarah as the proud new parents. I swear that I am being unbiased when I say she really is one adorable baby. I wish my mom is here to share this joy with us. I believe that somewhere she knows and is happy too. =)

I am very glad to be back in sunny California. I know the weather may be chilly to people here but man, I'm loving it. Anything beats 20-40 degrees!

Traveling through the Carolinas

2009-02-26T20:50:00.000-08:00

Today we left South Carolina (forever!) to embark on our planned three day trip to Groton, Connecticut. Brett and I were so anxious to get out of SC but a lot of unfortunate events made it really difficult. Long story short, his car burst into flames and we were held back five hours before we were able to hit the road again. We have arrived at Fayetteville, North Carolina exhausted and drained. Tomorrow's drive will be better. We'll be able to meet up with the other two cars that we were originally caravan-ing with and hopefully have time to walk around Washington DC and Baltimore, Maryland.

Freezing Times

2009-02-04T15:38:00.000-08:00

It's been a couple months now that we've had the heater on all day at our house and it's a huge house. No wonder our electricity bill is over $200 every month. So it looks like Brett's graduation from prototype is set for February 20. Hopefully that doesn't change because I've begun organizing/packing for our move to Connecticut. For those who haven't been informed, Brett got his permanent duty station orders. We will be in Bangor, Washington for the next 3-4 years. No San Diego... only three officers got assigned there. Most of Brett's buddies got Washington so yay to that. I'm now preparing myself for the freezing cold that is the upper east side of the United States and the constant rain of the northwest part of the United States.

The Southern Life

2009-01-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

I started running outside of the gym this week. I can't believe I didn't sooner because it is so pretty outside. Our neighborhood is just filled with amazing homes, the types you will probably see in a Better Homes & Gardens magazine. During the runs, I find myself discovering hidden spots with awe striking views. Life, in our neighborhood at least, is truly idyllic. You see children playing in their huge lawns and dogs running free with no leashes. Everything just seems so peaceful and joyful. This is something I actually will miss when we move out of here by February or March. More adventures to come! Connecticut is our next stop for a couple months before we finally settle down to his permanent station. I'm still crossing my fingers for San Diego.

On another note, my trip to LA for Christmas and New Years was tons of fun. Though getting sick was a downer, my spirits were still up throughout the trip. As I become more of a visitor to California, I'm beginning to grasp the reality that I will be starting a new life away from home (if we don't get San Diego, that is). It's interesting when I visit because you start to see your family and friends in a different light. If anything, I guess this is part of adulthood? Even though I had a lovely time over the holidays, I still felt sad that this is the first Christmas and New Years I'm not sharing with my mom. I really wonder what happens to you after you die. Does your personality and soul just disappear the instant your heart stops beating? (sigh) Oh, the picture is of the view opposite my mom's grave.

New Addition

2008-12-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

Having a cat around has been very entertaining. She's provided me endless hours of joy and amusement. Having grown up with no pets, I initially had a hard time adjusting. I could not sleep through the night because every time the cat made a noise, I'd wake up. Now I sleep very soundly and am no longer in fear that the cat will claw my face while I'm asleep. My favorite part is her cuddling with me when I goto sleep each night. But I learned the hard way that she isn't as nice as I thought. I should've known better when Brett started calling her "menace." Sadly, I've also started calling her that, along with her some not so nice names like fucking cat. Trust me, she deserves it.

Recently I've switched my focus from acrylics to computer art. Been teaching myself Illustrator every day for a week now. Being able to crank out several successful pieces a day has really raised my confidence. I hope to have Illustrator mastered by the time we are out of South Carolina. Talking about being out of here, I am very anxious to go back to California for Christmas and New Year's. It's been a little over two months since I've been back. I really miss my brothers, friends, the food, and mainly the diversity!

A Different Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

My first Thanksgiving away from family. My mom was really the glue that kept our family together. She gave us a reason to come home and spend time together. Though she is no longer with us physically, I will be thinking about her while I eat my Thanksgiving dinner here in South Carolina. I guess this is part of adulthood, learning to cope with losses. Holidays will no longer be the same. I know I will still be happy and make the best out of it, but a sadness will just overshadow everything. This is a picture taken at our last Thanksgiving together in 2006.

The Great Smoky Mountains of NC

2008-11-24T17:32:00.000-08:00

Brett and I stayed at an authentic log cabin this past weekend in the Smoky Mountains of North Carolina. It was a 5 1/2 hour drive to get there but it was totally worth it. Our cabin was really secluded and it had an awesome view of the mountains. We had such a relaxing time-- we jumped into the hot tub, then ran back in and sat in the front of the fireplace and enjoyed some hot cocoa and did the crossword puzzle together. What could be more romantic? I'm so grateful to have all these travel opportunities. If it isn't because Brett's in the Navy, I don't think I'd ever find a reason to goto all these places. Next year we'll be heading to Connecticut for three months. I can't wait to visit all the surrounding states; New York here I come!

Also, on our way home today we stopped by Cracker Barrel for lunch. I love that restaurant. It feels like you're in a completely different world when you eat there. Maybe it's the old country ambience of the place but it sure is lovely. Brett bought me a whirly pop lolly; I can't believe I've never had one until now!

Vivid dreams

2008-11-10T17:04:00.000-08:00

The past couple days I've been dreaming about my mom a lot. They're not really pleasant dreams though, since it usually involves my mom and I screaming at my dad. I end up waking up very grumpy. I wonder when I'll get over the residual anger I have against my dad. Probably never. Sometimes I wonder if he actually apologized and admitted his wrongs, if I would really forgive him. I still cannot believe all that has happened since last year. Life has definitely moved on but the sadness is still there. Hearing about other people's death and even fictional deaths of tv characters evoke the tears. What stings me the most is the fact that I literally watched my mom slowly die... and witnessed her fear and unwillingness to part with us... =*(

You know you're in the South

2008-10-29T14:20:00.001-07:00

when you see this on the road... and yes, that is hay in the backseat of a police car.

Hollywood experience

2008-10-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

My first day back in LA, I eat the best sushi right next to the table of the Scrubs cast! I saw Zach Braff and Donald Faison! Even though my slumber party attempts didn't really go through, I had a merry time drinking coffee at the wee hours of night and staying up with my lovely friends. Eating of foods nonexistent in South Carolina and shopping will be the goals during my stay this time. I'm already on a good start: had Jack in the Box for lunch yesterday and Katsuya for dinner.

26

2008-10-20T18:04:00.000-07:00

Thank you ma for giving birth to me. I miss you a lot.

Six months

2008-09-24T22:03:00.001-07:00

I baked oatmeal cookies today because 1) Brett was challenging me in a cookie bake off and 2) my mom used to make really yummy oatmeal cookies. I wanted to recreate them but I honestly do not remember how hers taste like anymore. It's weird, I haven't cried in over a week until today when I got a text from David. This past Sunday I felt a little under the weather and then I realized it was the six month mark. Life has been treating me well. I am very happy to be where I am now. Even on my not so happy days, I remind myself that life is too short to not live each day to the fullest. Lately I've been teaching myself Photoshop and Illustrator so that I can further diversify my art applications.

Oh... quick change of subject, it's 1:12 am now, Brett is asleep and sleep talking again. I just heard him mumble... "those bastards," and "sunflowers?" I wonder what that boy is dreaming about!

Speaking of Brett, it's nice to have someone to cook for. I've been making dinner during the weekdays. So nice to be cooking again and trying out all these new recipes. Janet's cookbook is getting bigger as the days go by!

A second chance

2008-09-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

I've been having recurring dreams about my mom getting a second chance- she is still terminal in the dream but she just has more time. It's nice because I am able to tell her all the things I didn't tell her in real life but it makes me very sad. I just wake up feeling very down.

I'm glad I have so many pictures of her during her last weeks. I like to look through them because it makes me remember everything that has happened. Lots of mixed emotions because there were joyous times- when the relatives were in town, and sad times- when she was in pain and discomfort. Even though it's not the best memory, it is the strongest and clearest one I have of her. Ma, I miss you so much...

Road Trip: Day 6

2008-09-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

Atlanta, GA - Mount Pleasant, SC

It was a rain free drive home. Overall, this road trip has been great!

Road Trip: Day 5

2008-09-05T21:37:00.000-07:00

Memphis, TN - Atlanta, GA

We passed through four states today- Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, and Atlanta. Funny that the states got greener and greener as we went more East. What is wrong with the West? I was looking forward to staying in Atlanta because every time I had a stop at the Atlanta airport, it was filled with fun and excitement. I was thoroughly disappointed once the first bum wouldn't leave us alone as we were roaming the streets of downtown. Downtown Atlanta is just like downtown LA, not really safe at night. So Brett and I resorted to a brewery restaurant across our hotel and a couple more episodes of Dexter. Tomorrow will be the last day of the road trip. I can't wait to finally be "at home" and no longer living out of my suitcase or for that matter, my car.

Road Trip: Day 4

2008-09-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

Oklahoma City, OK - Memphis, TN

The drive today was really green and pretty. It started raining but it was only slight sprinkling so not too bad. We arrived in Memphis around 7pm so we had time to go out and explore. Beale St. is only a couple blocks away from our hotel so we walked there and had some good ole Memphis style food and listened to some classic blues. There's just something about listening to live music!

Those who know Janet will know why I chose this picture for today's post. =)

Road Trip: Day 3

2008-09-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

Tucumcari, NM - Oklahoma City, OK

I ate at BIG TEXAN!!! I wasn't up to eat 72 oz. of meat so I resorted to an 8 oz. steak. Oklahoma was a greener state but it was pretty windy during our drive. We finally arrived in Oklahoma City and ended up staying in to watch some more Dexter and Futurama on my laptop. Other than a huge cross in Texas, there really wasn't any spectacular sights. We did, however, swing by a comic book store in Amarillo, TX because of Brett. I enjoyed looking at all the dorky toys and actually checked out their anime collection. (sigh)

Road Trip: Day 2

2008-09-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

Flagstaff, AZ - Tucumcari, NM

We started driving at 11 am today and ended our day around 7:30 pm. Tomorrow we plan on being more aggressive in our driving. Dinosaurs, tepee stores selling Indian trinkets, etc., and cattle were the scenery for today. Arizona was pretty boring. New Mexico proved to be more interesting with it's beautiful rocky hills/mountains. For lunch we stopped in old town Albuquerque, a quaint and quiet little town with pueblo looking buildings. Tomorrow we pass through the entire northern part of Texas as we continue along 40E. Hopefully we can make it to Fort Smith, Oklahoma, which is the border of Texas and Oklahoma. But that means 8 1/2 hours of driving. So with 2 hours for breaks and food, that's 10 1/2 hours on the road. I hope we can do it!

Today's hotel fare was slightly more expensive - Hampton Inn for $94.

Road Trip: Day 1

2008-09-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

Alhambra, CA - Flagstaff, AZ

We left at 12:45 pm and arrived at our first hotel here in Flagstaff at 8:45 pm. All the stuff I wanted to bring fit in the car and there was absolutely no traffic. Saw a whole lot of nothing and nothing interesting really happened. We had dinner at Cracker Barrel in Arizona, my first time! I think I'm finally catching Brett's cold. =T Going to drug myself and goto sleep. Hope tomorrow's drive will be more interesting. Oh and it's so great to get the military discount~ we're staying at a Radisson for only $81!

Almost five months...

2008-08-12T22:57:00.001-07:00

Mixed feelings

2008-08-05T23:19:00.000-07:00

Time will never take away the sorrow I feel but it can help me reconcile with everything that has happened. I feel less rage and anger towards my dad now but I still cannot forgive him for his wrongs. I don't think I ever can, but who knows, I may think differently ten or twenty years from now. All I know is that I am more so in terms with my emotions now. I still get very sad often and it still feels very surreal to me. My pending departure from LA has stirred up even more emotions. I am very excited and happy to be moving in with Brett but very sad that I will be leaving my brothers and all my dear friends. Even though all my feelings and memories of my mom lie within me, I still feel sad that I am leaving... her grave, her belongings, and her life in LA.

Another month

2008-07-21T22:20:00.001-07:00

I miss you ma. It's been four months now but I still feel like it was just yesterday we were living together. I miss looking into the rear view mirror and seeing your face. I miss cooking for you. I miss saying good night and I love you to you every night. =*(

The long process

2008-07-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

I really only have two weeks to wrap up my life here. It will be really hectic and emotional. I've been dreading the process of organizing my mom's belongings because it just makes me so sad. Just now all I did was read some notes I had written her and I couldn't stop bawling. This reminds me of my weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was back at the motel and there were flowers everywhere- on the roof, along the walls, and just everywhere. I was trying my best to water all of them and it just took forever. So random huh?

An action packed summer

2008-07-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

Four weeks have passed and I have to say I'm learning really fast and getting more confident as each day passes. The zebra is done with white colored pencil on black paper. I'm sad that there are only two weeks left. I've gained so much insight from my classmates and teachers. I am optimistic though~ I know my future art classes will be as inspiring!

The decision has been made- Janet will be moving to South Carolina sometime in late August or early September. I will miss dear LA, my home for 25 years. I do plan on coming back quite often though to visit my mom's grave, my brothers, and my wonderful friends. So after my classes end, I have approximately three full weeks to pack up my life here. I'm getting stressed thinking about all the stuff I have to do but yet the excitement is just overwhelming. Yay to new adventures!

The city that never sleeps~

2008-07-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

Vegas during the summer is foolish. The burning 110 degree weather made me quite cranky at times but because Brett was there, all was well. The typical Vegas activities ensued during our trip; slot machines were played to pass time, Mystere was watched (btw, a wonderful show to watch!), unhealthy food was eaten, and all day drunken revelry was had. I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted to but here are some:

I can't believe I got them to pose. Note the girly color of their drinks. =P

Brett won only $12 from the gigantic slot.

Our four years is coming up! <3

Joy and hope

2008-06-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

Three months have passed now. I'm comforted to know that life will be okay. I'm really grateful to have two great brothers and wonderful friends who are so supportive. =) My two art classes began last week and I am loving every minute of it. I go nine hours straight every day from Monday to Thursday and have no complaints. I never knew class could be so enjoyable! I've made many friends- young and old, ranging from 15 to 28. They are all so interesting; it's so inspiring to be around such talented/artistic people. I wish my mom could be here to share in my joy. I really miss her a lot. I actually had a dream about her last night, it was one of those weird dreams that made no sense but it made me so happy. Seeing her in my dreams really means a lot to me. It's like I can see her again... see her smile or just hear her talk to me.

The unpredictable future

2008-06-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

Two and a half months have passed. It still feels like yesterday that I was holding onto my mom's hand and telling her not to worry. Even though I fully grasp the reality of all that has happened, a part of me is still in disbelief. I never felt this way before... I can't help but think why does this have to happen to me?

There are so many things I wish I could've done differently. But I know that I can still do things for my mom, even though she's not physically here. I know I can be happy and lead a good life for her, and not let her down.

Ma, I miss you so much.

Sucker punched in the nose and some sleep talking

2008-06-01T21:45:00.001-07:00

Yes, the title of this post is not a joke. I experienced both in two different nights. Last night I was woken up to sudden pain in my nose after Brett had just "accidentally" elbow punched me right in the nose. All I heard was a faint "I'm so sorry" and all I was left with was extreme pain as I struggled to wake up and realize what had just occurred. I continued to check my nose to see if it was broken and if there was any blood throughout the night. Little did sleeping Brett realize that I had a bad night of sleep after his supposed accidental punch to my poor nose. I find the entire event extremely humorous now but I can tell you, it was not one bit funny when it happened. Tonight I had a hard time falling asleep, thus explaining why I am writing this at 12:50 am EST. I had gone to sleep at 10:30 pm (Brett's usual sleeping time now) but after several minutes of tossing and turning, I woke up to read at his desk. It's a funny sight if anyone walked into his room. It's pitch black except for a small desk light shining at his desk where you see a girl crouched over reading a book perched on a laptop while at the same time, the girl is trying to hide the light with her body so as to prevent the boy obviously dead asleep on the bed from waking up. So back to my point, as I was reading I hear some mumbling from the bed. Brett is sleep talking! For some reason I always find it so fun and exciting to hear what he has to say. Unfortunately his mumbling was too low so I didn't catch what great things he uttered. I had better luck later when I attempted to goto sleep again. As I lay in his arms, I hear him say, "I don't remember how to do it." I was and still am so happy that I am recounting this here. Several times it has been where I wake up to his sleep talk hoping that I will remember his profound words in the morning, but failing to do so. So the book I am now reading is Me Talk Pretty One Day. I find myself a little slow on the bestseller list. I barely read Life of Pi the other day. For some unexplainable and probably odd reason, I refuse to read the top selling/popular books when everyone else is reading them. Only after a year or so do I venture to the bookstore to buy these supposed bestsellers. I'm actually enjoying David Sedaris a lot. His writing style reminds me of Will Ferguson's; witty wordplay and cynicism suit my taste. Speaking of taste, I've been experiencing much more of the southern cuisine. I had deep fried seafood the other day; the batter was so thin and soft and just so perfect that the seafood just melted in my mouth. Not literally, of course. I tried hush puppies again, but this time they were more flavored and less chewy. Last night Brett & Co. (Brett, his roommates, and I) decided to stay in and cook dinner. Prime rib, grilled onions, mushrooms, and peppers, risotto, and asparagus proved to be a perfect meal. Oh, did I mention the pomegranate wine from Casa de Frutas~ yum! Tonight more beef was to be had. I had a delicious 22 oz. porterhouse steak at Longhorn Steakhouse. Other than eating like there's no tomorrow, I have been trying to partake in some physical activity. Yesterday Brett & Co. went to play putt putt. I did not perform as well I as thought I could but it was still fun shit talking and crying out in utter despair every single time my ball went into the water. The night ended with much more merry making in what I like to call the kid heaven I never experienced. I am the champion of skee ball. The only victory of the night that I can claim. Brett & Co. members were kind enough to give me their tickets so I was able to trade my 228 tickets for some pirate tattoos and one of those styrofoam planes. Oh, I do need to mention the only downside of the night: being bitten 20+ times by mosquito(s). 24 hour hot humid South Carolina weather really sucks. I should've known better to not wear shorts in such hot weather (sarcasm). The bites are scattered throughout and there are actually two on my face!

P.S. This post was originally written in four different paragraphs but due to my inability to figure out HTML code, I have combined it all into one long one. I do not know why Blogger changes my paragraph spacing when I create new ones, as evident here! Argh Blogger!!!

Plantation land

2008-05-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

I'm here in South Carolina again! My third trip. =) The car rental guy gave me a free upgrade so I didn't have to wait; Janet is now roaming around town in a Hybrid Ford Escape- the car's really fun to drive. I ate at Charleston Crab House last night- a whopping $24 worth of shrimp, mussels, and crab legs. I tried hush puppies for the first time too, something about deep fried chewy corn bread just hit the spot. Today I tried a beef po'boy southern style, yum! All this delicious food is making me a happy camper. The LPGA is happening right now too at the golf courses Brett lives by. I'll be taking a walk soon to go witness my first pro golf tournament. Pictures to be posted soon.

Recipes

2008-05-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

Last year when my mom and I lived in Downey, our cable had a couple Chinese channels that my mom used to watch all the time. One channel would always have this cooking show that my mom loved. She would always write down all the recipes when she was watching the show. I remember her being so into her note-taking that whenever I knew the show was on, I wouldn't disturb her. I just found an entire folder of all the recipes she had written down. It's all in Chinese. When I have time, I will sit down with a dictionary and translate everything. My mom always thought that when she got better, she could make these recipes. I hope to fulfill this for her one day... Ma, I still miss you a lot. I don't know why I've been crying like no other for the past few days... =*(

Two months

2008-05-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

In exactly one hour, it will be the two month mark. It doesn't seem like it's getting easier... yesterday I cried so much my eyes were all poofy today and the tears still couldn't be stopped today. It's weird that the sorrow hits me so randomly. Hugging Chumpy (Jumbo replacement) helps though... big furry monkeys are comforting. =*)

Kevin Kern

2008-05-20T10:16:00.000-07:00

Every time I listen to Kevin Kern, I feel like my mom is listening with me. We had his music playing on repeat during the last weeks of her life. Just something about his soothing piano playing touches my heart and puts me into a melancholic state. The two songs Grace composed for my mom always brings tears to my eyes. I don't think I'll ever not feel sad when I listen to their music.

My brother David moved the piano down to his place in Cardiff. It was so nice to watch him play some of the childhood tunes we had learned as kids. Seeing him all goofy and singing along to the music really made me happy. It is those moments that I really wish our mom was there with us. All the simple joys in life that I want to share with her but can't anymore... =*(

Under the sun...

2008-05-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

I spent the past weekend driving all around LA. I attended two graduations, went to my first baseball game, revisited college favorite bar and diner, got my first massage at a day spa, and shopped too much for my own good, all in 100 degree weather. I have to say I am loving my tan though.

Onto a more serious note, I've been noticing lately that I like to talk about my mom whenever I think of her. Sometimes I wonder if I am making it awkward for those who are listening... but I really can't help it. I miss her a lot.

I finally decided to start organizing the accounting for the motel taxes. As I'm sifting through all the receipts, I notice all the ones I had kept from when we were living together in Downey. The receipts from when I shopped at the Mitsuwa near the hospital made me really sad. I remember my mom always being so happy for me because I would always get so excited showing her all the Japanese snacks I had purchased. Even though she couldn't eat a lot of foods anymore, she never let me feel bad for eating anything in front of her. She was just happy to see me so happy. =(

"Go big"

2008-05-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

Upon my arrival at my brother's place in Cardiff, I was greeted with an overjoyed Kiley. She couldn't stop whining and her tail wouldn't stop wagging. Coming to SD always feels like a vacation. Something about the atmosphere here just allows me to feel so calm and relaxed. My brother's awesome view of the lagoon probably plays a factor too. =)

We jaunted about Seaport Village, acted like dorks (mainly me, mind you), got a mani- and pedicure, ate surprisingly delicious Thai Food, drank lots of wine, and just enjoyed our time. As Alison put it, we "went big."

Today's schedule is action packed as well. I'll be joining Alison soon for a spin class, then I'm going to go shopping somewhere, then come home and get ready to SETTLE! I haven't played Settlers in so long, let's see if I still know how to play.

Proof of our dorkiness:

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T15:06:00.000-07:00

It was nice to goto Rose Hills with my brothers today. I wish ma could see us now and see how close we are. I wish we had spent more time with her together. Only after her passing did I realize the extent to how much we meant to her. We were the reason why she wanted to live. She just wanted to be a part of our lives. I'm so sad... I wish I would've realized that sooner... I wish I had more time to say all the things I want to say to her.

Thank you ma for everything you have done for us.

Dreams

2008-05-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

I finally decided to start organizing all my mom's stuff we had moved from the motel to my place. I found this binder my mom used when she took ESL classes at adult school. In the binder, she had a picture of her and the three of us kids. I couldn't help but break down and cry. She had our picture with us in her folder she took to class. =(

I found an index card tucked inside a pocket in the binder that she had written a poem on. It is dated 9/15/94.

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Pain

2008-05-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

I woke up today with immense "I want to just die right now" cramps~ oh the pain of being a female! The people who really know me know that I obsess about "my rag" because of my dread of the one full day of pain. Luckily man invented pain killers and my pain is narrowed down to a couple hours, instead of twenty-four.

So I decided to stay busy and not think about how I wish I was born a boy and actually finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love." This must be the best possible book for me to read at this moment in my life. I haven't laughed out loud so many times while reading a book~ I feel even more inspired now to pursue all my dreams and desires. Thank you Liz Gilbert for sharing your life!

I really want to goto Italy now... maybe bring my half-Italian boyfriend along with me? Heh.

Back at "home"

2008-05-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

Ten days of absence left my place with a layer of dust and a feeling of emptiness. I cleaned a bit this morning, opened up the windows and curtains- it now feels a bit warmer and livelier in here. I had another crying fit this morning as I listened to Grace's music and thought of my mom. I received a Chinese poem from someone and it touched me so dearly- here it is translated into English:

The party will always end
anywhere you go in this world,
but there is no end of my thinking of you.

Life is so uncertain and
we cannot guess His plan for us.
Live to love, be happy to see each other.

Mother's Day is coming soon. My brothers and I plan on visiting our mom at Rose Hills and having a little picnic there. It will be our first time at the graveside together since the funeral. I'm very anxious.